Related to persons'2 telling that thing about me, it never occurred to me that she kept her eyes on it in the earlier years in order to use it in the future. But even had I foreseen that, having it done despite being uncalled for like that was also very far from my expectations. While some might imagine that being said about me after some special fight when I left, not only my leaving there went as smooth as it can be, but also being required to leave was very deeply established beyond doubts, according to their own direct demands. It had always been held against me, and I never questioned it being other than what they really want even while I was staying with them. Doing so would have been a denial at an astonishing degree. I could not speak about even a minor complaint about them without her telling me as soon as I start talking If you know such why are you living with us?. I also cannot express how easily she may react to me by saying Son, leave us. Don't you say you (plural) are sick and there is no cure for you (plural)? Or directly express that latter sentence saying We are sick and there is no cure for us. But then, after all that, to my surprise, she came to my house within probably less than a month after I left and it felt as contradicting to the confidence and being settled in her demand for me to leave, as seeing a thing as physically there as a huge mountain suddenly disappears. Even absent having the special story I had there, it was the kind of action that makes its doer asked by a very much puzzled and perplexed respondent if he is crazy for an unexplainable change like that. Anyway, first time, because, unlike later, I had not yet decided on totally cutting all connections with them, I initially hesitated, but then with her action itself feeling like denial to my existence and situation with them, I told her to leave. The other times I did not let her in to begin with. That is still much less than the entitlement which I remember her herself confidently giving, not even me with my special condition there, but one of them, saying If you leave then see me near the door of your home, spit in my face.
Months before I left, I once wanted to add a test for any consideration my existence could have acquired because of reaching the age of forty, and see her reaction to that. When I told her I am forty she responded with a cold tone like a stranger and said And what should I do for you? Based on the relentless suffocating existence discounting and erasing pressure they have applied on me in my childhood and early years of life, with me incorporating the effect of that into myself because of the inability to seek a refuge in the hidden from me thing that can explain the why, and how I felt far from being considered as equally as those of older ages and it was like a blaspheme for me to think so, if that pressure were really because of being loved as the baby of the family and not to destroy my existence but for a shallow physical level, I should have had the sun, the moon and number of galaxies brought to my possession at much younger age than that. Anyway, I picked one easy to grab sign in the history of her discriminating treatment and told her Person3 was 26, and you had been bringing him a new picture for a different girl like every other day trying to arrange for his marriage. She responded saying It was your father (pushing her to do that). I did not care for pushing further what was already that much an unneeded test.
As for the smoothness of leaving there, I left while she was staying for a while with one of them in another state. I told her before she travel there that I might leave and her cool or coldness about that borders that of someone who would have answered with questioning why did I need to inform him of that. The last communication was just a piece of paper I left for them which said that I am leaving.
While I argued in the preceding post of this series about how much the earlier occurring and reaction to saying that thing about me suggest repeating it ten years later couldn't have come without sufficiently considering its weight, what does it say if it could have? It could be even worse. The people who put themselves that much in control of me and my world around me from childhood lack that the capability for a good judgment in their behaviour in relation to me, to the level of not seeing that that should not be said. What kind of horror show is that?
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