985: MS&R - 9

 I now have good probability that the uncle of mine to whom I referred in this POST not only refused to enter our house because of that conspiracy on me but also refused that others go along with it that he also seldom visited the other relatives except for the one of them with the least claim of attachment to religion. I also would not be surprised to know that the girl who worked for us as a maid when I was a toddler was paid by him to keep an eye on what was happening to me because he realized how that conspiracy is close to physical annihilation. I have wondered numerous times about how far it is from our financial capability to afford something like that. In addition I would not be surprised if his staying with us for several days at the beginning of the golf war of 1990, which was also less than two years after the death of person1 was to see what was happening to me there. I remember how some faces seemed a little overexcited when I came to salute him, and of course now I can see how much they could have enjoyed what they took as having the one man who reacted to them as if saying do not even dream that I give you a free pass on that conspiracy finally joining the others. Even without these additional things a desire to make that uncle wrong with regard to his position could have been a big reason that I physically survived there.   

But there was another relative who although not through a position like that, also took a different reaction toward my situation. A special advantage for this reaction is how it seems to enable me now to know more about the environment around me not just through what that reaction itself reveals but through continued other behaviour of others that kept being rooted or at least encouraged by this reaction. That relative is one of the younger sisters to person1. That aunt used to visit us when I was probably four or five years old and sing for me Shake your head you animal. Your head is the head of a sheep and I shake my head (Of course she says those words in a cute way suitable for playing with a child). Later when I was seventeen or eighteen that same aunt stayed with us for several days when person1 died. I used to like the water hotter than usual when taking a bath that I might have came close to fainting in some occasions in the past. One of those occasions occurred while that aunt was there and she reacted saying (although with partly comedic tone) Where should I turn my face?! Everybody is crazy?! Of course calling me crazy for doing something like that is not a surprising thing. But why did she say that as if the others already known as crazy? And since they do not seem to be messed up like me then this other "crazy" fit comes in the sense of being psychotic? I only very recently saw how this and that childhood things were usable like signals. There it is a common expression to describe somebody not aware about big things going on around him in his environment as being like a sheep. I actually remember myself feeling internally pinched toward such meaning when hearing that song and that my head shaking which was horizontal like a "no" gesture felt like a compromise between doing what that song was telling me to do and refusing that and the message it was carrying. But that other incident left very little doubt if any, that there was a message about the environment and conspiracy around me in that song. Nevertheless, initially something sounded hard to fit here? Was she really expecting a child to appreciate the depth of what was going on and take a stand against it? And how was it okay for the conspirators to have somebody put an effort to make such signals to me? I have seen with other occasions how they require others to deal with that conspiracy like a taboo (of course I now can see things that way, not at the time). Actually not only they were okay with that but they many times showed inclination toward that aunt more than the other relatives who did not give any such signals. I even have seen person2 one time suddenly saying while watching TV that she wants to bring that aunt here. Later a fit satisficing all that occurred to me. That song apparently was intended more as a test for the validity of the  environment than it is as a signal to me. If I do not burst crying or at least show some signs of discomfort when hearing that song then I am not affected badly by what was going on around me. So they were happy for what they took as having somebody not just go along with them but also give them approval based on such tests. They then followed on conducting other tests of this kind for themselves. The more they can say things related to my story in my presence without me feeling anything special the better passing grade they give themselves.

Speaking of that aunt and them enjoying themselves passing similar "tests" they make for themselves I want to mention here that after person2 visited back Iraq she narrated in my presence how she visited that aunt and the latter showed her her bloody hands because of how badly somebody cut her finger nails. 

I do not know to what level that aunt could have seen herself sharing the guilt here, but like I said earlier accepting my existence is out of the question to those around me, with or without them seeing a validation through that action of hers. On the other hand many things in or related to my existence there could have been harder to find about without them repeating that same approval process for themselves. For example, I could have seen much less related things in the actions of that uncle of mine if it were not for how much that uncle was as if intentionally mentioned in my presence, and that could have not happen without that encouragement.